I wish my husband could cheat on me

We dated for two years before we got married. Sex wasn’t the central focus of our relationship. He was my focus and I was his focus. We didn’t want to make the wrong choices so we were determined to know each other very well. We dated for over a year before sex happened. When it happened, we couldn’t stop asking for more. At that time, we already knew where we were going and we were very sure we were good for each other.

He asked for it whenever he was in the mood and I granted it to him. Whenever I was in the mood too, I rushed for it and he equally gave it to me. It was fun. It felt like we’d found something new in our relationship, a new dimension that made everything complete.

A couple of months before our wedding, we stopped having sex. We wanted to build a new momentum for our honeymoon. We stopped so that on that day we could have a special one to seal our newfound bond.

We got married traditionally and had a white wedding a couple of days later. We were too tired to try anything on the first night of our honeymoon. Unfortunately for us, I had my menses on the second day so throughout the honeymoon, nothing happened. We came home, moved in together and started going again. It was at that point I started seeing traces of this problem we are still facing.

I struggled to get ready for shuperu. He did all the right things but unfortunately, my body couldn’t respond. It was like I was frozen and needed a unique fire to get the ice out of my system. I pleaded with him to use cream to avoid bruises. I pleaded with him to give me some time to get ready. I gave him excuses. He was patient. He listened to me but my body couldn’t get ready for him. Each time we did it, I was the one who suffered. The connection wasn’t there. It felt like being forced to do something you don’t want to do.


We had a conversation. He asked questions and I answered. “Are you tired of shuperu already?”

“Are you going through some troubles that I don’t know?”

“Do you need time to put yourself together?”

I said yes to the last question while saying no to the rest. He couldn’t understand me and didn’t get what was going on with me. I told him, “I don’t understand what’s happening to my body. I want shuperu and I want it every day but it looks like my body is fighting against me. I don’t know what I have to do to get her to be ready. Give me some time and let’s see how it goes.”

Two weeks later he asked me, “Isn’t two weeks enough time to sort yourself out?” I couldn’t answer. I cried. He asked why I was crying and I told him, “I’m crying because I don’t have an answer to your question. I’ve eaten everything that promises to raise a woman’s libido. I’ve watched a lot of adult movies on my phone, I’ve read erotic. I’ve tried reconnecting to our past where everything was good but here I am, dry as a desert. At this moment, I will conclude that there’s something wrong with me.”

So we started seeing doctors. We started with herbs. It didn’t work for me. We went to see a specialist who sought to get into my body to see what was wrong. She recommended foods I had to eat often. She showed me exercises I had to do to improve my urge. In the end, she told me, “Dear, you have to be sincere to yourself to be able to get answers to your questions. Maybe you no longer find your husband attractive. Or he reminds you of a past trauma. It could be more about him than it is about you. You need to be honest with yourself if you want your body to be honest with you. The body doesn’t lie.”

She drew my attention to things I hadn’t thought of so when I came home I started assessing my husband to see if it was indeed about him. He ticked all the boxes. He’s still attractive to me, not only physically but emotionally. He gets to me the way no man has ever gotten to me. So why can’t we do it the way we used to do it?

Our marriage is two years old and within these years, I can count the number of times we’ve done it. He doesn’t want to see me suffer but sometimes he has to take it by force. I don’t hate him for doing that. I hate myself for becoming the woman who puts her husband through this much stress.

He doesn’t sleep well at night. I look at him and see him thinking a lot. He asked me about childbirth recently and the answer I gave him makes me feel bad. I told him, “Childbirth has nothing to do with the quality or quantity of shuperu. People do it once and it happens unless you tell me you don’t release when we do it.”

I apologized for my answer later but he wasn’t even angry to begin with. That’s what scares me sometimes. It makes me feel like he’s given up on me and our marriage, so much that he doesn’t see the need to fight about it.

Recently, I’ve been inviting him to do it. I tell him to forget about my feelings. I encourage him to do it as often as he wants regardless of my excuses. He comes home with lubricants and a few weeks later it’s finished.

I know he’s not happy. I know I’m not giving him the best. I feel guilty for trapping him this way. I want to make him happy. He thinks I’m a good wife but I want more than just being the woman who cooks and cleans and takes care of him. I want to cater to his emotional needs too but now, all I feel is an emotional disconnection from myself and from him.

I’m ashamed to say this but sometimes I look at him and I wish he could cheat on me if that would make him happy. I would be unhappy to find out he’s cheating on me but I’ll understand him. He’s a man and these things are what a man needs to be fulfilled.

No man will be happy to do it once in a blue moon and even that he had to fight for it. Even if he calls for a divorce, I will understand him because I haven’t been a complete woman for him. These are mere wishes that may never come true but what will forever remain true is the fact that I’m making a good man unhappy because my body has decided to switch off on me just when I needed her the most.