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LifeStyle of Monday, 6 December 2021

Source: silentbeads.com

Tomorrow is my wedding day but I wish I could run and hide

The picture used to illustrate the story The picture used to illustrate the story

Tomorrow is my wedding day and I’m in this hotel room thinking of everything that could go wrong instead of dreaming of a beautiful wedding. Three of my friends have had a wedding not too long ago.

They’ve told me how beautiful it was the day before their wedding. They said it was a mixture of nervousness and beauty. Ama said she couldn’t wait to wear her wedding gown and pretend to be a queen for a day. “That was one of the things that kept me grounded,” she said. Afia simply said, “I didn’t think about anything, I wanted tomorrow to come quickly so I would wear all the beautiful things I bought for myself.”

If the eve of our wedding day is supposed to be this fun then why is my feeling different?

I tried on my wedding dress three days ago. It didn’t fit. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself and wondered what had changed. “Was it not only last month that we bought this wedding dress? Why does it not fit?” I forced myself in it and the zipper at the side got undone. I rushed to a seamstress nearby to have it fixed. She did a good work on the zipper but she got the bust side wrong and changed the design. Today I’m here thinking to myself, “What if it’s a sign that this marriage won’t fit?” The dress chokes at the heart level. What if it’s a sign of an impending heartbreak? God, if you’re indeed trying to speak to me, speak louder so I could hear you clearly in this confused state of mind. A lot of voices are in my head now. I don’t know which one belongs to you.

We started dating four years ago. I was a virgin when I met him. I wanted to keep it but he had no desire to keep what belongs to him now for the future so I let him have his way. I thought he was going to change towards me right after that because that’s what I heard people say; “Guys are like that. After getting what they want from you, they change.” Felix didn’t change. If anything, he wanted me more than he did before. He became clingy. He worried when I wasn’t with him. Even when I assured him of my undying love, he said, “It’s today that you love me. If I give you space and you fall for someone else, I would have myself to blame.”

He cheated and I caught him. We talked about it. He cried and asked for forgiveness. I was determined to let him go but the little voice in my head said, “You’re no longer a virgin. Remember he took that away from you. You’re leaving him to follow new men? How many men would you like to sleep with before you’re married?” I took him back. Three months later, he was running after my best friend. My friend showed me the chats. She asked me to be very careful about him because a guy of his nature will do anything. I confronted him. Again, we talked about it. He promised not to do it again. I forgave him—no, I didn’t forgive him totally. I think I let it go because of that tiny voice in my head. “Let it go. Meeting too many men before you wear your wedding gown doesn’t please God.”

I stayed so I wouldn’t have to go after other men. I don’t know if he stopped but for two years I didn’t find any reason to suspect that he was cheating on me. He called when he said he will call. He visited when he said he would. We got closer and closer each day until he proposed marriage. I know some people can be very dramatic when it comes to marriage proposals. He didn’t do any of that. On my birthday, he came with a silver ring with something on top of it that looked like a diamond. Call it a fake diamond but it communicated exactly what he wanted to say. He said, “Let’s do it. Next year—Next year by this time we should be living together as a married couple.”

I hugged him. I said, “Thank you for finding me worthy. I’m glad you’re crowning our struggles with a marriage. I promise I would be a good wife.” We started working toward marriage. He was committed, to be honest. He was the one who asked all the questions. “What will your parents want? What type of cloth? What type of ring. What type of panties?” He was getting all of them together before the knocking ceremony. I supported him. I went around with him buying all there’s to buy.

We did the knocking and fixed the date. 4th December 2021. In September 2021 he lost his job. The details are sketchy. I don’t want to go into that. It will leave me more confused than I am right now. When the disaster hit, I asked him, “What do we do now? Should we call off the wedding?” He screamed “Naaa we don’t have to. We’ve come too far to let this go. Jobs come and go. It doesn’t define anything. I will get a new job very soon and everything would be alright. Just stick with me.”

Early November he started complaining about money. “This thing is getting difficult by the day. I’ve spent all my money but expenses keep coming. You know my situation. You need to help me.” I didn’t shake my head. What are lovers for if they can’t help each other in times of need?” He would call for money and I will send it to him. Some, he took as a loan. Some, he just took it as me helping him. We are in this together so we ought to make things work. God has been faithful. We’ve been able to get everything we need for our wedding. Everything is in place for a beautiful wedding tomorrow. I should be relaxing by now, thinking about all the things that will happen tomorrow but no.

“What if he doesn’t get a job until very late? How am I going to take care of us?” I’m only a teacher. My salary and what I’d saved can’t put us under a shade for longer. Our rent was only for a year. After a year and he doesn’t have a job, can I pay for rent all by myself?” What kind of husband is he going to be? The cheating type or the type that stays home and helps his wife? I’ve seen a glimpse of his cheating ways but I haven’t seen anything that suggests he’ll be home and help around. What sort of wife am I going to be? What kind of marriage are we going to have? Is it the forever kind or the-meet-me-in-court kind of wedding?

I’m the glass-is-half-full kind of person but I can’t stop thinking of these questions because my future is on the line. Our beginning doesn’t look solid but is it a reason enough for me to have fears? I’ve read stories here about jobless husbands. There were good ones and there were bad ones. There are those that ended in a plate and there are others that ended in praise. What kind of jobless husband am I going o have?

You see why I’m worried on the eve of my wedding?

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